When a person close to you — whether it’s your partner, child or a friend — is suddenly overwhelmed by a wave of strong feelings, how you respond in that moment says a lot.
Que ce soit votre enfant, votre partenaire ou un·e ami·e — quand quelqu’un que vous aimez se fait submerger par une vague d’émotions, votre réaction compte (résumé en français ci-dessous).
Emotions Come in All Sizes
Feelings are part of being human. Some are fleeting and quiet; others show up in full force. And those bigger feelings? They often arrive unannounced — a tearful outburst after a stressful day, or a sudden list of frustrations that’s been brewing under the surface. You might have thought everything was ticking along nicely, and then — boom. Emotion, full volume. And now what?
Well, it’s very easy to say or do the wrong thing.
You might reach for a go-to response like:
- “Just take a breath.” (Doesn’t usually do much.)
- “You just need to…” (Rarely helps.)
- “Calm down.” (You can guess how that goes.)
As psychologist Eileen Kennedy-Moore puts it, “In the history of the world, no one has ever calmed down by being told to calm down.”
And perhaps the least helpful response? Telling someone to stop. Understandable? Yes. Effective? Not so much.
Why do we do it? Often, it’s from a place of care. You don’t want your loved one to be in pain. But you might also be trying to make the moment less uncomfortable — for them and for yourself. Big emotions can be tricky to sit with. Maybe the tears make you feel like you’ve failed them in some way (you haven’t). Or you panic because you think you’re supposed to fix the situation and don’t know how.
But here’s some reassuring news: you’re not there to solve the whole thing. You’re there to be present.
Trying to skip past the emotional part and jump straight to a solution usually doesn’t work — especially with children. People don’t want their experience fast-forwarded. What they need is support. That could mean sitting quietly. It might mean saying something. But most importantly, it means being there in the right way. Here’s how.
1. Start With Yourself
When big feelings are flying around, pause for a moment and notice what’s going on inside you. Are you tense? Frustrated? Panicking a bit? Psychotherapist Dana Dorfman suggests taking this internal pulse can help you avoid reacting from your own stress.
Try saying to yourself, “I can handle this.” Even if you’re not 100% convinced — say it anyway. Remind yourself: this moment isn’t a test of your parenting or your partnership. It’s someone else’s emotional moment. You don’t need to fix it. You just need to stay.
Even by simply staying present, you’re already showing care — and modelling emotional resilience at the same time.
2. Help Name What They Might Be Feeling
Sometimes, especially for children, it’s hard to work out what’s actually wrong. You can gently help by offering a possible explanation:
“Are you feeling ___ because ___?”
Or “It seems like it really upset you when…”
Or even “You wish that…”
Giving words to feelings can shrink them down to something more manageable. It also shows you’re trying to understand — which can feel incredibly validating.
“You’re holding half the weight,” says Kennedy-Moore. “It just feels good to be heard and understood.”
This kind of validation is the gateway to empathy. Without it, people often shut down — and problem-solving becomes impossible.
Worried about getting it wrong? Don’t be. You’re not telling them how they should feel, you’re just offering a guess. If it’s off, they’ll say so. And yes, feel free to use their own language — even if it’s slightly cheeky. “Your brother was being a bit of a butthead,” might earn a reluctant smile. That’s a connection.
3. The Quiet Power of Being There
It might feel like just sitting there is passive — but it isn’t. Staying close, listening, showing patience… these are all powerful responses.
“Sitting there is an action,” says Dorfman.
And if you’re unsure what to do with yourself in the moment, small gestures go a long way:
A hand on their shoulder.
A glass of water.
A quiet “I’m here.”
You can also remind yourself (or say out loud), “I don’t know what to say right now, but I’m here. I care. And I’m staying.” Even if they don’t respond, the message will land.
And if they ask for space? Respect it. That gives them some control — and it’s not personal.
4. Ask What Might Help — Or Offer Something Small
If the moment’s passed and things feel calmer, try gently asking: “Is there anything that would help right now?”
They might know. Great. If not, you can suggest something — especially if it’s something you know has comforted them before. A walk. A funny show. A cosy blanket and a snack.
With children, be extra gentle with suggestions. Jumping too quickly to “Let’s do X” can feel like brushing aside their experience. But with grown-ups, drawing on your shared history can feel grounding.
In the End, It’s All About Connection
There’s no perfect formula for handling someone else’s big feelings. What worked yesterday might miss the mark today. But if there’s one thing that makes a difference, it’s showing up. Trying. Staying. Even through the awkward bits.
You don’t need all the answers. Just your presence — and a little patience.
Quand les émotions débordent, votre présence fait toute la différence
Que ce soit votre enfant, votre partenaire ou un·e ami·e — quand quelqu’un que vous aimez se fait submerger par une vague d’émotions, votre réaction compte. Et bien souvent, ce n’est pas en disant “Calme-toi” ou “Tu devrais juste…” que les choses s’arrangent (spoiler : ça ne marche quasiment jamais).
Ce que les personnes en détresse émotionnelle ont besoin de sentir, c’est surtout… que vous êtes là. Vraiment là. Pas pour résoudre ou corriger, mais pour accompagner.
Comment faire ?
→ Commencez par vous recentrer : Respirez, rappelez-vous que vous n’êtes pas en train d’échouer. Vous tenez juste bon dans un moment intense.
→ Mettez des mots sur ce qu’ils ressentent : “Tu es triste parce que… ?” ou même “Tu trouves que ton frère a été un peu relou ?” – ça peut aider à désamorcer et à créer un lien.
→ Restez proche, en douceur : Un regard, une main sur l’épaule, un “je suis là” valent souvent plus que mille discours.
→ Proposez sans imposer : Une balade, un chocolat chaud, un film drôle ? Parfois, un petit geste suffit.
Ce qui compte le plus, ce n’est pas de dire la bonne chose ou d’avoir la solution miracle. C’est d’être présent·e, sincèrement. Parce qu’au fond, c’est ça qui apaise : se sentir compris et soutenu.
Source: we have adapted this article from this one, by Steve Calechman at fatherly.com
